I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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