Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
