The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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