That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
