she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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