Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
