remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
