I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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