Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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