For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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