Someone shit on the floor
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
