He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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