There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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