not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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