I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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