??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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