So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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