oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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