i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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