My hand turned me down
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
