Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
