How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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