Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
