Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
