I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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