I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
