Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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