I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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