Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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