it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
