My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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