i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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