ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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