if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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