woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
