I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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