Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
