Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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