That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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