sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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