he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
