can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
