I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
