I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
