I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
