when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
