I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Did I show you my penis last night?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Randomize
