i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
