Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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