A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
